Affections and Afflictions
by BDN
Summary: KRADAM. So, was there any connection between Kris and Adam before Idol, and if so, why are they acting as though they've just met? This is a detailed look into their high school years together and how their relationship grew over time.
1. Chapter 1

**For any of you who might get a little confused, this is sort of like a prologue. After this chapter, I'm going to go back and explain everything that happened up until this point and continue after. I have NO idea how long this will end up... Could be 30 chapters, could be 4. (: It depends on how I feel writing wise and if I get any reviews, so happy reading!**

**Oh, and just so you know. I didn't mention any names on purpose. Take a guess as to who people are- There's a 50/50 chance. ;)**

I found myself shaking uncontrollably, my eyes darting around the room for something- any indication that he was alright… But no matter how much I wished it, the white blank room simply stared back at me, making me realize that only time would tell…

Only time would tell me if he would live.

I couldn't imagine my life without him. It hadn't been anything but that for the past year. For the last 365 days or more, I'd woken up to "Good morning Baby" and a small squeeze on my arm. How would I function without hearing his voice? How would I go to school every day? How would I even be able to face everybody? How would I _live_?

I rubbed my feet together nervously, listening to the scraping sounds as the soles of my shoes collided with each other. For a second I thought I saw his reflection in the overly-polished floor, but it was nothing but me and my pitiful, guilty face.

I'd been trying to convince myself for the past few hours that this ugly twist of fate wasn't my fault, but it wasn't easy. If only I had woken up five minutes later, or made sure to remind him that I loved him before he left… Maybe if I had done that, he wouldn't be an inch or less from death. The thought kept worming its way back into my head until it had eventually stuck, leaving me to wonder about all of the "What If's?" for countless hours.

I looked up as I heard the obnoxious clicking of his nurse's heels. Why in the world the hospital would hire a nurse that walked around in five inch pumps, I would never know. Hopefully she actually knew what she was doing in this case, or there might be hell to pay.

"Any news?" I croaked, my voice sounding weak from underuse.

She glanced up at me, pursing her lips in way that showed this was the last place she'd like to be, and raised her eyebrows.

"Oh, you're the boyfriend?" she asked, scanning me up and down while putting a hand on her hip.

I rolled my eyes. Was there no kind of training on how to handle the friends and family of patients here?

"Is there any news? How is he?" I asked firmly, my blood pressure starting to rise.

The nurse sighed and straightened back up, chomping loudly on her bubblegum. Was gum even _allowed_ in hospitals, or was it only cigarettes that had been outlawed here?

"The kid's condition's still about the same and his breathing's still a bit iffy. If you ask me, he's lucky to even be alive."

If that last bit had been an attempt at consoling me, it had been a really poor one. "Lucky to be alive" didn't mean that he was going to make it. I nodded and mumbled "Thanks" as she clicked her way over to the front desk, delving into conversation with a few giggling nurses.

I buried my face in my hands, inhaling large amounts of his cologne, which reminded me of that morning that had now felt so long ago. He was laughing at me as we got ready for school together. I was hogging the bathroom, which pissed him off since there was only 20 minutes left until the first bell and his hair was still wet. After a while, I finally opened the door and that's when he started spraying me with his cologne, hoping it would "Scare me out of the bathroom." He was right- It did, but not before I smelled completely like him… Maybe a little _too_ much like him.

Why is it always the little things that mean the most to us in times like these?

I kept asking myself all of these questions as I sat there, tired, hungry, and alone. I wanted so badly to go home, but there was no way I was leaving his side. The chair would have to do for me tonight.

I slouched down in the chair, leaning my head against the wall behind me. It was hard, and like the rest of this place, uninviting, but I just had to deal. Life clearly wasn't sunshine and daisies, after all.

I took a deep breath and stared at the ceiling, one thought among them all leaving me restless:

Why couldn't it have been me?


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry guys. This one's a _very _short chapter. Haven't had too much time to work on this lately, but I should have chapter 3 up pretty soon with any luck. (: Hope you enjoy!**

The next morning came shining unpleasantly through my eyelids, willing me awake. The bustle of nurses, doctors, and others seemed to have picked up a bit that morning, not one of them shooting a glance at me, laying like a blob in one of their metal chairs.

I stretched and yawned, feeling as things that I didn't even know I had in my body cracked from the strain.

I leapt in surprise as I felt my cell phone buzz in my pocket. I dug around for it, blinking a few times to let my eyes adjust to the light. Really, who was awake this early?

Neil was. I reluctantly hit "open" and murmered the text aloud, which read, "How is he? N e improvement?"

My heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. Somehow, even being in the hospital, I'd completely forgotton why I'd been here for just a minute. It all came rushing back to me suddenly and even the sky outside seemed to get a little bit darker. I bit my lip as I thought about what to say back, finally hitting "reply" and texting, "everything's the same. still pale and in a coma. nurse said he's lucky 2 b alive"

I flipped down the top to my phone and got up from the chair, looking down the hallway at his door. He was this close to me, and I couldn't even see him. _Immediate family…,_ I thought to myself grudgefully, _I love him too. I shouldn't be held outside his door like a criminal…_

"He's better today," said a voice from behind me. I wheeled around to see the same nurse who'd given me attitude the day before. Today, however, she seemed happier, and to my utter relief, wearing sneakers. I might have seemed pissy about everything, but really. What was there to be happy about right now? That I'm alive? Yeah, okay, fantastic. It wouldn't matter much if he died right now- any positive qualities about me would drop off with him.

I was jolted out of my trance by a buzzing in my pocket. I knew it was a text back from Neil, but he'd have to wait. I glanced back up at the nurse, who was watching me expectantly.

"He's b-better?" I stammered as my heart soared. For the first time in 24 hours, I felt happy, or at least a level higher than 'suicidal'.

The nurse nodded, smiling sweetly.

"His breathing's normal now and he's got some color in his face again. He still hasn't woken up, but things seem a lot more promising than they did yesterday," she said, rubbing my shoulder comfortingly.

I tried to dredge up a smile to thank her, but I knew that all that showed up on my face was probably a worried frown.

I watched as the nurse walked away, once again leaving me in an invisible solitude.

_That's right… Neil_, I thought to myself, grabbing my phone and opening to read my last text.

"I'll b down l8tr," it read. I decided not to text him back, but to try to slip into his room, just to see him again, no matter how much his condition terrified me.

I peered around the corner to see if anyone was watching. When I finally came to the conclusion that the coast was clear, I made a run for it, hoping that if anyone WAS watching, I hadn't just looked like a complete idiot. Whatever, they had to see weirder things here. This was a hospital, after all.


	3. Chapter 3

**Alright, it took a little longer than promised, but here's Chapter 3! (: Please review, it motivates me to write faster!**

The door swung open and smacked the wall hard as I clambered in, echoing around the room. I cringed instantly, knowing that it would only draw more attention to the fact that I had plowed my way in without permission, but let my thoughts freeze when I saw him, colorless and sprawled like a ragdoll on the hospital bed.

I was rooted to the spot, one part of me wanting to run over and wrap his body in my arms, and the other part wanting to run away and keep the beautiful image I had of him preserved forever. But then I was reminded that there was hope: that he might come out of this, and selfishly, I wanted to be the first one he saw. I took a courageous step toward him, craning my neck to see him where I was standing so that, hopefully, I wouldn't have to go closer.

I couldn't bear it. I stretched my arm out and reached for his hand, intertwining our fingers when I felt it. He was cold, and that mere observation sent chills through my spine. I finally swallowed my fear and walked to his bedside, grabbing his hand more firmly to make it warm again. I leaned down and kissed it gently, then glanced up at his face to really take it all in.

The door opened again behind me and I wheeled around, my desperation to be here with him taking me over completely. Neil walked in, followed by a nurse, who had obviously been fussing about me a few seconds before.

"Hey," said Neil, glancing over at him and sighing. While Neil didn't look as bad as I knew I did at this point, I could tell that he'd been on his mind since I called him.

I nodded, not sure whether a greeting would sound too friendly coming out of my mouth at that moment.

"How's he doing?" asked Neil, looking up at me solemnly.

How is he doing? Was that really the best question to ask? Looking back at him, it was pretty obvious to tell that despite the nurse's claims of hope, he wasn't doing particularly well. I calmed myself down, knowing that Neil was simply referring to his condition and that I was blowing it all out of proportion because of my anger.

"The nurse says that things are looking up a bit more, which is good," I said, becoming quite aware of how sullen my voice was when I answered him.

He didn't seem put off by my tone, which was also a good thing. He'd apparently stuck up for me to the nurse, who was silently messing with something in the corner of the room that I couldn't see.

"Hey Kris, you know he loved you, right?" Neil said, his eyes searching mine.

I pressed my lips together and looked down at Adam, feeling the familiar sense of dread as I looked at his cold, pale face.

I nodded slowly, hoping with all of my heart that Neil's words weren't lies to put me at ease. I slowly sat down beside Adam on the bed and kissed his forehead as I silently whispered, "I love you."

_*_*_*_*_

After holding onto Adam for a few more minutes, the nurse quickly ushered me out of the room as Neil flashed me a look of apology.

I sat back in the same metal chair that I'd now become accustomed to and let my head hit the wall behind me with a resounding "thump", immediately regretting it as a headache was piled on top of everything else stressing me out at the moment.

I flinched as my phone vibrated, and suddenly an idea presented itself.

I slid my cell phone from my pocket, knowing that doing what I was about to would only make me feel worse, but I had to. Adam would get me through this. He helped me through everything else and this time would be no exception.

I opened up my inbox and scrolled to the last message from him. When I got to it, I felt my eyes automatically fill with hot tears. It read:

"_good morning baby. i'll be there in about 5 mins to pick u up. if u don't eat anything before i get there we can grab a coffee or something somewhere. ily with all my heart! –Adam (:"_

Getting coffee with Adam a few days ago suddenly felt like an eternity ago, but I could still remember what his latte smelled like when I thought about it; Sweet, but strong. Just like him.

I shoved the phone quickly back into my pocket, not sure whether I could handle staring at it any longer. Just as I finally tucked it safely away, Neil came out and collapsed into the chair beside me, looking weary. He leaned into his hand and stared off solidly into the distance, not even bothering to acknowledge me until I fidgeted anxiously in my chair, wondering if the nurse had told him anything else.

"Kris… this is going to sound really weird, but could you tell me about Adam?" he asked, glancing up at me.

I wasn't sure what he meant by that. They were brothers after all, weren't they? Wouldn't he already know Adam pretty well?

He must've been able to pinpoint the look in my eyes, because he quickly elaborated, "I know him pretty well, but I still feel like there's a lot I never got the chance to learn. I was hoping that maybe you could fill the gaps? Who knows, maybe it'll help us both get through this a little easier."

I smiled, but didn't think for an instant that thinking about everything I loved about Adam would help me right now… or _him_ for that matter. Seeing the eager expression on his face though, I couldn't say no.

"What exactly do you want to know about him?" I asked, hoping that I didn't sound as upset as I was.

Neil stared off into space for a minute, thinking, and then finally said, "Tell me how you two met."

And that's when I knew that any calm or peaceful façade I'd been using had been shattered to pieces. I loved Adam now, but when we first met, he was my prey, and I would've done anything to torture him. I wasn't too sure, but I was pretty certain that that wasn't what Neil really wanted to hear about.

"You really want to know how we met? It wasn't love at first sight or anything romantic like that," I said, really hoping that Neil would ask me about something else. No such luck.

"I don't care. I just want to know the story. I don't need some kind of fairy tale or anything."

I sighed, racking my brain for the first time our eyes met, and then I remembered, smiling to myself as I imagined his smiling face as it had been on that very first day, with all of his charisma and charm shining through…

And my ignorance to recognize it.


	4. Chapter 4

**So yeah, I posted two chapters back to back! Since we're all snowed in over here on the East Coast, I figured now might be the time to see if I can get some writing done. (: For those of you who've read "A Day in Darkness" and have been waiting for a new chapter, I should have something ready soonish. I'm on an inspiration kick right now, so don't be surprised if another chapter of this shows up before I have to go back to school! Happy reading! Please review!**

"It was the first day of highschool, and I went to buy some coffee from the shop near the school with some friends…" I said nervously, the entire day's events flooding into my mind like they happened yesterday.

Neil seemed to understand immediately when I said something about going to get coffee by the school. It was no secret that Adam had worked there for quite some time.

"Go on," he prompted, smiling slightly. I smiled back and tried to remember the exact exchange between us that morning, since Neil was anxious for so much detail.

"Okay, well anyway, we all went and we were acting so stupid… It was almost like we were drunk or something- like the idea of going to highschool made us high…"

_*_*_*_*_

_Tommy, Daniel, and I stumbled through the door, laughing as though we'd heard the funniest thing in the world. The other customers inside threw us dirty looks and scanned us up and down, rolling their eyes before returning to their drink and breakfast. We ignored them… I mean, what the hell was their problem anyway?_

_We clambered over to the register and the strawberry blonde haired boy raised an eyebrow, eyeing us as critically as the other customers. He looked like he could still be in his teens, but towered far over me and the other two._

"_What can I get you guys this morning?" he asked, an edge of impatience in his voice. _

_We had no idea of course and both Tommy and Daniel weren't going to waste their time examining their menu, so they decided to be smartasses instead. Daniel read the menu quickly, glancing back at us with a smirk._

"_I'll have a Double Cheeseburger Mighty Kids Meal with a small fry and a Coke," said Daniel, snorting through his words and watching the boys expression, not at all amused- We however, were laughing our asses off. The boy straightened up and rolled his eyes, letting a fake smile spread across his face._

"_And would you like a toy with your meal, Sir?" he asked, tapping his fingers against the counter as he leaned forward slightly. Daniel and Tommy didn't laugh. I, of course thought that it was hilarious, but I'd never let those two know that._

"_We'll just have three plain coffees," I said, hoping not to cause too much trouble. _

_Tommy and Daniel both glared back at me, both of them clearly not through with messing with this guy. I shrugged, just as the boy said, "Fine. $5.62 is your total. I'll bring it out to you in a few minutes."_

_We all sat down and they quickly jumped into badmouthing the guy at the register. I thought he was funny, but I joined in the conversation anyway. I hated feeling out of the loop when I was with these guys._

"_He has so many damn freckles and zits! He's never gonna get a girlfriend while he looks like that!" I whispered loudly, stealing glances at him as he made a few lattes for a group that had just ordered._

_Daniel snickered. "Don't worry. That guy doesn't want one," he said, laughing at his own words._

_That confused me… What guy didn't want a girlfriend? When I threw him a questioning look, he sighed and grinned mischievously, leaning in before saying, "My brother knows him and told me that he's gay."_

_I was actually really surprised. He didn't act like a girl at all. All of the gay guys that I'd ever seen talked like a preppy girl, not to mention they were normally smaller than me. This guy was tall and had just enough muscle to make him manly. _

_I felt my face grow hot as I realized that I hadn't taken my eyes off of him. I grew even redder when I realized that the guys had noticed._

"_Kris, don't tell us you're turning gay now too!" Tommy hissed, trying to hold back his laughter. I was still red, and feeling more and more flustered by the second._

"_Of course I'm not turning gay!" I spat right back, hoping that they didn't notice my eyes dart over to the boy right afterward. _

_I wasn't gay, and I knew that. There was just something about that boy that drew my eyes. I couldn't explain it. Maybe it was because he kept glancing over at me…_

"_He keeps looking over at me! I'm not that hot, am I?" I asked, a little frantic as he looked at me again over the cash register. _

_Tommy and Daniel rolled their eyes at the same time._

"_All gays like the guys they see. He's probably hot for me and Tommy too," said Daniel, eyeing him up and down._

_My heart skipped a few beats as I saw him put three coffees on a plastic tray and begin to walk them over toward our table. He wasn't smiling, but his eyes did linger on me for a little longer than the other two, and it sent shivers up my spine. When he went to set the tray down on the table and I noticed that the guys were staring at me, I decided to do something that I'd regret for a while._

_I stuck out my foot and he turned, unaware that when he took even one step, he fall flat on his face. And he did._

_I instantly felt so ashamed as he collapsed. I had no idea what made me even do it- It was completely spur of the moment. Looking back on it, I think it was because I was scared; not of him, but what I thought when I looked at him. He was good-looking, and deep down, that realization scared the hell out of me. I wasn't gay, and nothing, not even this boy, would make me change._

_The boy cut right through me with his eyes. His expression was livid and he, again, was fixated on me for the longest. I couldn't blame him this time though, considering that I WAS the one who tripped him…_

"_Hey Adam!" yelled Daniel as he got to his feet. "I thought that you liked the top! I guess you're just stooping for us because we're so damn special, huh!"_

_Whoa, first of all, too much information. Secondly, how did Daniel even know that? I looked over at him and Tommy as they made moaning sounds. _

_Adam didn't acknowledge anything. He didn't even say anything- He just resumed serving customers at the front desk as the guys laughed at the top of their lungs. Nearby customers had seen everything, but they didn't approach us. They probably thought that we were a lost cause. I don't blame them, either. If I'd been having my morning coffee and a doughnut or something, I wouldn't interrupt myself to tell a couple of juveniles to shut up._

_Adam, huh? I liked that name…_

_*_*_*_*_

I looked over at Neil as he analyzed my story. He didn't seem angry or anything… just a little off in the clouds. He finally glanced up at me, face stony when he asked, "How did you two ever start dating? It sounds like a terrible start."

I was a little relieved that he didn't start insulting me or calling me an idiot. I felt like enough of one already for everything that happened back then.

"It was… interesting, and a long story," I said, smiling a little. Neil returned it a little less enthusiastically, rubbing his chin when he said, "Tell me more. I'm really curious now."

Just as I was about to jump headfirst back into the story, I stopped myself, remembering that the boy I saw in the coffee shop all that time ago- the one that I adored from the first second without even knowing it, was on his deathbed, unaware that he was even being thought of.

"Why don't we check on Adam first? I'd like to see him a bit more before we go to sleep, or will the nurse not allow it?" I asked, my eyes finding her nearby his room, talking with another patient.

"I think we'll be alright if you want to see him," said Neil, nodding toward the door. I stood up and grinned, knowing that even if he was cold and alone in his long sleep, I'd at least be there to keep him warm.


	5. Chapter 5

**So, hopefully I can start writing new chapters and get them posted with smaller time gaps. I normally just end up working on this whenever, so it takes weeks sometimes to pump out 1000+ words for an update. Ridiculous, I know, but there are other stories I'm working on ATM so sometimes this one has to take a back seat. :/ Sorry guys.**

**I realized after uploading this chapter that I just kind of jumped from the present to the past between chapters 3 and 4, but there is still a lot more that I have planned to go on in the hospital with Kris and Neil (and whoever else I have turn up. I'm just playing it by ear right now. xD). In fact, all of chapter 6 will probably be the present, and maybe chapter 7 too.**

**And I figured I'd just clarify in case, but the present is typed regularly and the past is typed in italics, not to mention that the past and present are separated out by this symbol: _*_*_*_*_. In the portion of this chapter that takes a look back into the past, I also have this symbol: _*_*_. This is just to break up the dialogue. I hope all of my crazy symbols don't get too confusing! lol**

**Please review! Happy reading! :)**

Neil led the way in and I followed closely, my eyes finding Adam immediately and locking there. He looked the same as he had, more or less, the only difference being that he looked more peaceful now. I wasn't quite too sure whether seeing his serene face calmed me down or scared the hell out of me. I decided that it was probably a close mixture of the two.

Neil bent down beside him and smiled, patting him appreciatively on the shoulder. "We know you're gonna wake up, man. You'd never let a stupid crash kill you, would you?" His smile faded slowly as he glanced down at his feet, then turned cautiously toward me.

"Or would he?"

I shook my head. There was no way that Adam would let himself die from a crash, but things were out of mine and his hands, weren't they?

Neil's eyes fell back to the floor and he sighed, his eyes glistening a little from tears I knew he was trying his absolute hardest to hold back.

I walked around the edge of the bed and sat by Adam's feet. I then grabbed his arm with my hand and gave it a small squeeze, trying to recreate what he did to wake me up each and every morning after driving over to pick me up. Somehow I didn't get the same electric tingle, and it wasn't just because I wasn't the one that was having his arm squeezed.

"Hey Kris, would you tell me a little more about you guys?" asked Neil, his eyes lighting up when he brought it up.

I couldn't exactly say no, even though my gut was telling me to wait a while and focus on Adam. It was a good way to pass time, and who knows? Maybe Adam would even be listening in on them, somewhere deep down.

I nodded a little reluctantly and looked down at my hand, still resting on Adam's arm. "Do you want me to pick up where I left off, or just skip to the end?"

Neil smiled and laughed, looking me straight in the eye when he said, "Skip to the end? What fun is that?"

Somehow I knew he was going to say that.

I took a long breath and tried to remember exactly what happened next, rubbing my thumb gently over Adam's skin and biting my lip.

"The next time I saw him after that was in my chorus class. He was an assistant to our instructor and would give advice to the kids in the class…"

_*_*_*_*_

_I sat down in the chair farthest from the door and tossed my book bag carelessly to the ground. I didn't want to be there. I wasn't a singer and never would be. _

_The teacher stood up front and threw us fake smiles every few seconds in between stacking some loose papers and I seemed to be the only person that knew it was bogus, because every other one of my classmates was returning it with unusual enthusiasm. I cringed. I wasn't smiling back, and not even being threatened to be written up would make me._

_The bell rang loudly in my ear and everyone stopped talking almost immediately, turning to face front. _

_The teacher threw us the exact same smile once more and I rolled my eyes inside my head, kicking at my book bag in irritation._

_"Good morning, everyone. Most of you already know me, but for those who don't my name is Mrs. Callaway and I'll be your choral instructor for this semester."_

_I leaned into my hand, raising my eyebrows. Same damn speech in every class. If I had to do this, we should at least jump right into singing. This whole "Let's introduce ourselves" thing was really getting old after hearing it in three different periods._

_"I'm going to tell you a little bit about myself, but first I'd also like to introduce you all to my new assistant- Adam Lambert. Some of you guys might know him already."_

_The name resonated in my brain and sent an unusual chill up my body. My eyes snapped up and found him immediately, walking in and standing beside her._

_He laughed and his bright blue eyes seemed to light up the room as they fell on the girls sitting next to me._

_"Thanks Mrs. Callaway. Um, yeah, I do know some of the people in here… Let's see… There's Jenny," he said indicating the redhead on the far left, "Emma, Angie, Christi, Katy…"_

_His eyes fell on me and I was expecting nothing more than a frown, even a scowl, but got a kind of curious smile instead._

_"Kris…" he finished, my name coming out more like a question than a fact. I sat up a little straighter in my chair and looked him directly in the eye, feeling my throat tighten as I did._

_He was doing it again- that weird magnetic thing that prevented me from looking away. I couldn't stand it and I suddenly felt worse as I noticed that all eyes, including Mrs. Callaway's, were on me._

_"Yes, well…" Mrs. Callaway began, shocking me back into reality, "A little more about me…"_

_She rambled on and on for a while about her likes and dislikes, why she decided to instruct this class as opposed to other academic courses, and about her experiences in high school, which were no more informative or interesting to me than the stories that my grandparents used to tell me when I was little._

_"And Adam, is there anything you'd like the class to know about you?"_

_The name got my attention again and I glanced up and saw him smile bashfully, the freckles on his mouth stretching upward with the curve of his lips._

_"Well, I'm a drama nerd, if you didn't already know. I've been in…"_

_He threw Mrs. Callaway a quick look and turned to face us again._

_"Four? Yeah, four school plays… Well, maybe more. I can't remember right now," he said with a small chuckle. The girl next to me, Katy, giggled with him. I quietly groaned._

_So, Adam must still be "in the closet" as they call it. I mean, no girl in their right mind would fall for a gay guy… right?_

_Adam told us about what music he liked- classic rock and Broadway show tunes mostly, and he told us a little about his family, including his brother Neil (who was in my grade). He finished off talking about himself by advertising for the coffee shop and informing everyone that there were student "Back to school" discounts all week, at which point Mrs. Callaway kindly stopped him from continuing. _

_She proceeded to split us into groups for the day and have us sing for either her or Adam that way she could place us into our permanent choral groups._

_I crossed my fingers, praying to God that she'd be the one listening to my group and not Adam._

_I was paired with Katy, a smaller, nerdier looking boy, and two other girls. The brunette one nudged me with her elbow after a few minutes of waiting around and hearing other groups' voices._

_"Yeah?" I said, immediately feeling guilty as I noted the harshness in my voice. But she just smiled, her eyes sparkling as she asked, "You're a freshman, right?"_

_I let go of a deep sigh and took in her bubbly aura, mustering up a cheery smile and happy tone as I replied, "Yeah."_

_Her grin stretched even wider and I started to wonder whether I'd regret telling her that later. It was no secret that freshmen were the bottom of the food chain here._

_"I thought so... I knew I'd never seen you before. Your name's Kris?" she asked, eyeing me interestedly. Katy and the other blonde girl looked over at me too, and I suddenly felt small and weak._

_I nodded and my eyes fell back on Katy, who was examining me from head to foot. I felt my cheeks grow hot._

_"Okay guys," said a voice from just behind me that nearly caused me to fall out of my seat. I recognized it immediately as Adam's and knew what hearing it meant._

_He grabbed the backs of mine and the brunette girl's chairs and his fingers lightly brushed my back as he leaned forward, making me squirm uncomfortably._

_"Are we all ready to sing?"_

__*_*__

_I was the last to sing, and by the time that everyone had finished and he'd given advice, I was lightheaded and nervous, and I wasn't even the type to get performance anxiety! I was always forced to sing on every special occasion, not to mention a million times IN BETWEEN each of those holidays…_

_Adam fixed his ice blue eyes on me and smirked slyly. "You're up."_

_So, I sang the Star Spangled Banner for him. Part of the reason was to be a smartass, and part of the reason was because it was the first and only thing that came to my mind. Throughout the entire song, he just stood and stared at me, looking mildly amused._

_The three girls in my group all laughed when I finished. The brunette one even threw in a wink as Adam said, "Well, definitely an interesting choice…"_

_He took a few slow steps toward me and licked his lips as though in deep thought._

_"Your voice…" he began, his face relaxing as he raised his eyebrows, "is really beautiful."_

_I felt myself blush and instead of immediately thanking him, I just grunted, leaning back in my chair as though it didn't mean a thing. I didn't know it then, but those words out of his mouth that day meant the world to me._

__*_*_*_*__

"They still mean everything to me," I said, feeling a shy smile creep onto my face as Neil watched Adam.

"Why were you so scared to admit to yourself that you liked him?" he asked me quietly.

I sighed, not too sure how to answer. There was a multitude of reasons why I couldn't own up to being attracted to him. There were my parents, who were never overly accepting of the gay (or Bi, in my case) lifestyle, there were my friends at the time, who showed respect to only the straightest pigs on the face of the planet, and then of course there was Katy, who I'd gotten together with after the first month or so of school.

I started to open my mouth to tell Neil all of this, but was paralyzed, body and soul, as I heard a trace of Adam's voice reach my ears.


	6. Chapter 6

**I haven't updated anything in such a long time! Things have just been busy with school and all lately- Hope to have the next chapter up soon if all goes well! :) Enjoy!**

"Drake…" I said quietly, my voice echoing Adam's in both intonation and resonance. My eyes shot down to my feet as the name dredged up a bunch of bitter memories. I felt Neil's eyes trying to penetrate my thoughts, but I wouldn't let him.

Drake LaBry had caused every ounce of jealousy I had locked away over the past few months. He was Adam's type from the inside out, even more so than I thought I was. He was southern, brunette, and beautiful, not to mention funny. Hearing his name be the first thing to leave Adam's mouth since the accident didn't only make me self-conscious- it scared me to death. Was I really that desperate? Or was it just Adam that I wanted to cling to so badly?

"Are you okay, Kris?" asked Neil finally, his eyes searching mine as I turned toward him a bit.

I took a deep breath and sighed, trying to clear my head and recall where I was with my story. It meant nothing. Adam and I were together, and in love. Some bright-eyed beauty wasn't going to take that away and I knew better than to even doubt the strength of what Adam and I had for a minute. It was better than some fling; invincible.

"Yeah Neil, I'm fine. Where was I again? Sorry," I said quickly, hoping that Neil wouldn't try to dwell on what had just happened.

"Kris, if you're not-"

"Neil," I said firmly, shooting him a semi-dangerous glance, "I'll be alright. Now, where were we?"

Neil stayed silent for a moment, but when I didn't relent, he relaxed and said, "You were talking about when you first saw him again. It was in chorus and he complimented you… said your voice was beautiful."

"Right," I said, nodding my head slightly, "Well, after that day, Adam began to say hi to me every morning when I'd come in. He wouldn't say much else, but he always asked me how I was and asked about Daniel and Tommy, even though I knew he couldn't possibly give a shit less."

Neil smiled, "Yeah, probably not."

I returned Neil's grin and continued, "Then one day, I remember that he came over to talk to me. Not even about chorus, just things- Like what kind of music I liked, what I did in free time… It was so bizarre, because I was still convinced that he hated me. So after class that day I pulled him aside and asked him why he gave me the benefit of the doubt, why he acted like we were good friends when the only real interaction we had was my foot to his one day in a coffee shop…"

_*_*_*_*_

_I grabbed hold of Adam's wrist and pulled him away from the stampede of students intent to make it to the lunchroom. He looked surprised, and even stumbled when I led him over to the wall. I looked around his frame to be sure that nobody was listening, and then straightened back up, feeling my face grow hot as he raised an eyebrow._

"_What's up, Kris?" he asked, folding his arms._

_I wasn't exactly sure how I wanted to word my question to him. Did I want to take the calm, controlled approach, so as not to scare him off just after he'd forgiven me for acting like such an idiot, or did I want to just let my temper and emotions flow like I normally did?_

_I sighed, deciding to start out with the first option._

"_Adam…" I said, nearly shivering from the way his name sounded as it rolled off of my tongue, "Why are you doing this? I made a fool of you at your own job and you just keep going like nothing's wrong, like I didn't do anything…"_

"_But you didn't," said Adam simply, letting his head and shoulder fall casually against the wall as he looked me up and down._

_Now it was my turn to be confused. What was he talking about "I didn't do anything"? Did he forget; suffer some brain damage from the fall that day?_

"_What do you mean?" I asked, careful not to let my thoughts spill out too quickly._

_He smiled jovially and looked me right in the eyes, making my stomach overturn. _

"_You did what you did because your friends were there, didn't you? I could tell by looking at you that it was an impulse decision, because you couldn't look me in the eyes right afterward, like you were scared," he said quietly, also making sure that nobody was around to eavesdrop now. _

_I had no words. Was I really that easy to read? And if I was, then why couldn't Tommy and Daniel see right through me when I condoned anything they did? I hardly ever approved, and to be perfectly truthful, I'd never considered them real friends. They were merely tools to hold onto to remain popular, and even that wasn't working out right at the moment.  
_

_I opened my mouth to tell him that he was right, but he silenced me with a comforting pat on the back. "Well," he said, as though trying to finish our conversation quickly, "I should go, and you should too. We have classes to be at, don't we?"_

_I nodded, but more to myself than to Adam, who was already halfway down the hallway when I snapped out of my astonished trance. _

_*_*_*_*_

"There was something so completely mysterious about him, but comforting at the same time. I truly felt, after that day, that I could be who I was around him, and not some fake idiot who enjoyed other people's torment… " I said in barely a whisper, nearly forgetting that I was talking to Neil.

He shifted in his seat across from me a little, trying to hide a knowing smile behind his hand.

"He's always been kind of intuitive that way, you know. Once when I was little, I got really jealous of Adam because he was the focus of attention. He was about ten, I think, and our parents really were determined to get him into drama. They talked about it every second- at dinner, in the mornings before school, when Adam was off doing something… All the time, and it drove me crazy," said Neil, smirking and rolling his eyes, looking at Adam's slumbering face.

I laughed a little, imagining Adam in plays at age ten. It didn't surprise me or anything, but I could only imagine how dramatic he was back then and how much I probably would have wanted to hug him to death. "Go on."

"So one day, I was acting completely normal and he came up to me. He said, 'You know Neil, they might pay a lot of attention to me right now, but someday, they'll talk about you all the time and how good you are at something. Then we'll be even, right?' I hadn't told my parents how I felt, I never wrote about in a journal or anything he could find, I never showed it… It was just weird. Cool, but weird. Sometimes I honestly thought he was psychic. He's always been a little wise beyond his years, too."

I laid my head on Adam's stomach, suddenly wishing I had asked him more about his childhood or his relationship with Neil. I could always ask Neil, of course, but hearing it from Adam would make it sound like an adventure; something new and exciting. Maybe when he woke up, I could ask him then.

Neil glanced down at his watch, exhaling loudly as he did. "9:45…" he muttered to himself, looking back up at Adam and then over at me. "There's a café next-door if you want to grab a coffee really quickly. They have some pretty good smoothies too."

Smoothies and coffee sounded so tempting right now. I'd hardly eaten or drank anything decent in days, and some caffeine wouldn't hurt my chances of pulling another all-nighter.

I stretched and yawned, peeking out at Neil from my narrowed eyes. "Alright Neil, but if your brother wakes up and we're not here to see it, I'm blaming you for the rest of our lives."

Neil nodded appreciatively. "Alright, done deal."

I told Neil to go ahead and wait for me outside, and he did without a word. I imagined he was suspicious that I was still riled up over Drake, and he had every right to feel that way. I had stayed behind to search Adam's face for clues- any indication that he'd had a change of heart in his deep sleep.

But there was nothing: no consolation for me, no hope for Adam. Just a nonresponsive, delicate shell entranced in an uncertain and unstable world; a place I couldn't save him from even if I willed it with all of my heart.


	7. Chapter 7

**Two days distance! A new record! :) I felt that this chapter was a bit rushed personally, but I got some feedback and decided to upload it as is. If you notice anything that you think should be re-worded or you think I went too quickly in some parts, just tell me in a chapter review- Remember, I love constructive criticism! Hopefully chapter 8 will be coming soon too, so just keep a lookout. Read, review, and enjoy! :3**

The coffee shop was ridiculously busy, even for this time in the morning. Neil and I stood outside for about 10 minutes in the cold before we managed to squeeze our way inside and get warm. As soon as we got inside the door and into the actual line, I looked around, hoping that I wouldn't be unlucky enough to run into a classmate. Thankfully, I didn't see anyone I really knew, but everyone else imaginable was there: men is suits, mothers and their children, young couples, and even some of the nurses from the hospital, who looked much happier now that they were away from their usual setting.

"What sounds good to you, Kris? I think I might just go for a hot chocolate or something," said Neil casually, his neck craned upward to take the menu in fully.

I shrugged, glancing up at the menu as well, but not really reading it. I was starting to wonder about school now. What was everyone saying? How many people knew about Adam, and if they did, how many were happy that it happened to him? It was no secret anymore that Adam and I were together, and after Tommy and Danny had completely abandoned me a year ago, we'd both become the prey of half of the student population. Maybe I was being pessimistic, but I seriously doubted anyone would be welcoming us back with open arms.

Neil turned toward me expectantly and I snapped out of my trance, saying the first thing that came to mind.

"I'll have a regular latte."

Oh great, I get away from the hospital for five minutes and order something that'll remind me of him in five seconds. Way to keep yourself semi-upbeat, Kris!

Neil smirked slightly after hearing my answer and turned away from me again, shaking his head and laughing.

"I'll order for you too when we get up there. Hey, why don't you go ahead and get us a table before we're forced to drink our coffee out by the dumpster?" suggested Neil with a sarcastic tone, glancing quickly at the madness filing in behind us as we spoke.

I nodded and cracked a small smile, scanning the room for an empty table. There was one by the window, and I walked quickly over to it, plopping down in one of the seats and watching Neil move up a few inches in line.

I leaned down into the palm of my hand and let my eyes follow the different clusters of people filing past the café, but the people out there didn't really differ from the people in here: Workers, kids, mothers and fathers on errands…

And then I saw it: The one thing that made me genuinely and wholeheartedly smile for the first time in days. My gaze traveled with two men, probably in their mid-twenties, who were holding hands and laughing, just going about a normal routine like everyone else; in love like everyone else.

"Kris?" said Neil questioningly, trying to angle his head around and see what I was staring at. I looked back at him. He was balancing my latte and his hot chocolate in one hand, a doughnut and receipt in the other. I reached out and took my latte, inhaling deeply when steam started wafting up to my nose and feeling utterly bittersweet.

"Thanks Neil," I said plainly, pressing the top to my lips and letting the hot, oh-so-familiar liquid and cream trickle down into my throat. I noticed that he was staring at me when I put my cup down and I smiled, shifting awkwardly in my seat.

"What?" I asked, avoiding his eyes so I hopefully wouldn't have to explain my sudden happiness to him.

"You're just… smiling," said Neil, chuckling a little but still looking inquisitive.

I sat back a little more in my chair and took another hurried swig of my coffee. "Well, I'm just thinking I guess."

"Oh."

We both grew unusually silent and I tapped my fingers on the tabletop, suddenly bored and getting a little impatient to get back to the hospital.

"Hey Kris, can I ask you something?" said Neil, examining the whipped cream and chocolate drizzle over his cocoa.

I looked up at him, raising an eyebrow, but not saying any other words of indication.

"When I first asked you about you and Adam, you said that you tortured him, but all you did was trip him-"

I laughed out loud, shaking my head and nearly choking on the last gulp of coffee I'd taken. Neil looked at me with a sort of confused smile and tilted his head to the side a bit, prompting me to explain. I swallowed the remains of my coffee and looked up at him.

"Well, after I talked to Adam that day, I was totally thrown off by what he said… Don't give me any credit Neil. I didn't take what he said as flattery. If anything, it just made me more paranoid about him liking me. I mean, we're in highschool. How was I supposed to know that genuinely forgiving, kind people existed?" I said, smiling, as Neil looked more and more lost by the minute.

"So wait, you didn't like him at that point?" asked Neil, leaning over the table, his eyebrows furrowing.

I looked up at the ceiling, biting my lip and shrugging as I thought of the best way to describe exactly how I felt back then.

"It wasn't that I didn't like him… It was just that I didn't know what I was feeling. It started out as intimidation, then I finally realized a few months later that it was a lot more than that. It took _months_ though: Tons of name-calling with Tommy and Daniel, a few dozen shoves in the hallway, and a few rumors," I said, remembering just how much damage I had done.

Neil looked at my incredulously, and I just sat, frozen in place and hoping that Neil wouldn't write me off for telling him all of this. "Why the hell did he keep dealing with it? I mean, no offense Kris, but I would've given up on you a long time ago!"

I smirked and rubbed my hands in circles around the on-the-go cup, thinking back on Adam's persistence and resiliency, and how much I admired it.

"Yeah, I probably would've too. I told you his reason though- He knew that everything I was doing was because of them; Not just the tripping incident, all of it," I said, suddenly feeling horrible for everything I'd done to him all over again.

Neil looked out the window for a minute, and I joined him, watching as small droplets slowly hit the ground and city-goers whipped out umbrellas. It was so serene outside, and yet my head was such a mess from all of this. How many other people out there were as messed up as I was right then? Was there anyone out there that was really as heartbroken as I was?

"When did you finally realize?" asked Neil flatly, staring off still into the distance.

I looked over at him blankly, having lost my train of thought. It dawned on me what he was talking about after a few seconds and I stopped to think about just right when it was that I knew I had feelings for Adam.

"It was at the coffee shop where he worked. I'd given up messing with him for a few weeks and he took advantage of that by asking me to come to his work with him at closing time and hang out," I said, still remembering the exact smell that day and all of the messy countertops he had to take care of, "I figured that nobody I knew would be there, so I decided to go and he made me help him clean the place up. He blasted the radio and started dancing like a dork to some Madonna song from the 80's. I have to admit even to this day, it was hilarious."

Neil smiled warmly. "Typical Adam."

I giggled a bit and sighed, swirling my latte around and taking a small sip, getting a big blob of cream instead of coffee.

"Tell me more about that… Like, what did he do that made you realize how you felt? Did he just dance like a dork, because I don't think that's supposed to turn many people on…" said Neil matter-of-factly, tilting his chair backward so the front legs came off the ground.

"Well, the dancing was charming, but no. When I showed up there-"

"Oh, hold on," said Neil, digging around in his hoodie pocket for his cell phone. He pulled it out and examined the front screen for a few seconds before flipping it open and clicking away rapidly on the keypad.

"What's up?" I asked, suddenly feeling concerned as Neil's expression became sullen.

He tucked his phone away and stood still for a moment, raising both eyebrows. I felt as my stomach dropped and I clenched my fists to keep my out-of-control emotions locked away, worried that I might blow things out of proportion once again. Did Neil's sudden change in expression and attitude have anything to do with Adam? He looked up at me quickly, his face as pale as a corpse.

"We need to get back. And fast."


	8. Not a Chapter!

**I hate to do this to you guys because I know how damn frustrating it is when stories are abandoned at a cliff hanger, but this has been a thought on my mind for quite some time now, so…**

**Yeah, I'm stopping.**

**But not for the reasons you'd think. I haven't magically gotten a life or suddenly become super busy… The reason that I'm giving up on this story is to work on another Kradam FF with a nearly identical plot. The only difference is that the new story will be Kris and Adam's high school years in present time… so I won't have to go through all of the weird tense switch-ups and I don't have to worry about cramming all of their memories of their teen years into small flashbacks (Because trust me, with as many scenarios as I've come up with, it'd be about impossible at this point). Long story short, it'll hopefully be better. I'll also try to update more frequently. :)**

**I want to thank all of you guys who've been reading this and giving me positive feedback- I'm dead serious when I say it makes my day and I'm so glad that there are some other people besides me who haven't jumped over to the Adommy bandwagon. Not that I dislike Tommy, but as any kindergartener would say, "Kris came first!" xD Long Live Kradam! 3**

**(PS: My new story will MOST LIKELY be under the same title if you're interested, but if I decide to change the name, I'll post it here) :]**


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